I hate being alive and not on our own making it. I'm not about to slip into a trashy house situation because us having basically no $ means we take care of the house. But any time we miss something we're be told "do this and that". And my parents are ignoring my calls. So I g to the park where last time a car pulled up along the playground and sat in front of my swing??? Wtf where do I go?!?!??!?? I'm lost, stuck, too sick to walk much a all, and want to beat myself to death...
Being afraid for your life while growing up just does something to you. So many times that woman screamed at me"You're going to die L, you're going to DIE!! GET HOME! You're sick, L, SICK!" which in turn made me terrified that something was actually wrong with me.
Then the stories of "You know, my mom once drove me out to nowhere and pulled a gun on me saying it was her or me and I had to pick which one of us died..... Hey L want to go for a drive through some farmland?" That drive was too much.
Vinegar and cayenne tell me to exorcise all negativity but also to not remain neutral.
What if I no longer love spicy food once I'm better? Lol I doubt it but then I'll know I'm.. better lol.
But damn I can't live without cayenne and vinegar in my blood, esp. to fight off my bad luck that hopefully isn't in full swing anymore.
So I was a lesbian couple likely in their teens. We are staying somewhere like a hotel or apartment. I feel like a mom dropped them off or something.
Anyway I can't find my gf and I've gone around this building multiple times inside and out. There is some type of lobby area maybe too.
Then I'm the missing gf and I'm in a car with a man on a back road or maybe surrounded by trees.
I'm not sure if the man tries to stay around and take them both or just 1.
I'm running out of options for defense at this point.
Woke up this morning to my grandmas presence in my house and all hell broke loose. It feels like her or me at this point just when I think I'm safe then shes back. But thats her favorite nick name -Jaws.
I get the curse dealt with for her to have more energy to throw at me because she hates me?
Is binding her too negative at this point?
So I join back and try to intimidate him because I met his gaze but he wouldn't look away... Because I had sunglasses on. I take them off he quickly corrects himself and goes "oh son, help me out.. oh son, thank you" to make himself look less bad or something. I leave area w/ husband and then for pics end up bending down more than I have in public in forever while wearing a fucking vneck. I'm not ok. I'm not. I'm worn TF out can't even stand and figure out food, shaking, not even drinking
Please help, send a vibe or 2 (1)
Got home a while ago. Omgods. It was ok but damn not-ish. I'm not well. I'm not healthy enough for 2 mile hikes and hills at the park. Then lots of people. I'm an empath who hates family stuff at a packed park with a wedding, while having PTSD and food insecurities due to allergies at a BBQ. Help. So this extended fam member is a creepy old man who I just met and was sitting where I was in view when I tried to sit away from people, but it's ok because the sun k?
Drank much last night but feel okay. Fam reunion with 1 person I really don't care for and too many children at a park. What do I take with me other than quite a few joints? Breakfast was cayenne chicken sandwich w/ sweet gherkins and a mixed drink.
I'm thinking of taking my sketch book + some lined paper and trying to world build a new fantasy land. However, kids.. I don't need them seeing crayons and shit right? I want to be alone lol. Might plan out some tarot designs 🤦♀️
I hope all of you are well lately! I've been healing quite a bit, except tomorrow is a family reunion. So we're meeting a sister put up for adoption. dope af. My own sister (share a bday) was adopted out and I'm legally not allowed to talk to her. Its pretty sad for me, how this fam member was to be like "oh I have a sister, come meet her" when I live with this ea bday, and often wonder about her. Oh well, I'm not a fam person anyway and will spend tomorrow writing by myself @ the park.
Is it ever too early to plan and prep for #NaNoWriMo?📗
How have you been celebrating this lovely month? I'm trying to prep for the winter months as the cold is already too hard on me.
Been drawing/coloring, enjoying what YT and Hulu have to offer this month.
Helped out a Wiccan and her daughter yesterday which was nice but sadly very draining being an empath.
Hope you are doing well and good things are happening in your lives!!
Do you listen to any #podcasts? If so, care to share?
I listen using Stitcher mostly, but also YT.
True Crime Garage - my top fav
Paranormal UK Radio
Canadian True Crime
I feel like as I get older I 'realize' and value having a family, and want to create healthy relationships w/ remaining family.
But I'm also tired of BS, and do not tolerate someone being able to casually say "Oh, I know of HER" meaning my Goddess after telling me "All you need is God".
To be like that over something they brought up.. I actually hate my sister over one sentence. Yes, I do. What I value wasn't right to her, even though we're all different? I have no fam and idc.
Devotee of TARA and her 21 forms - Cappy - Paranormal - Foodie - Spoonie - Stoner - Cali Witch